My Favourite 2020 US Election Conspiracies
November 17 2020: ‘Dead people voting’ is just the start…
Where do conspiracy theorists go, now that our Conspirer-in-Chief has — as long as we ignore formal process and ongoing legal proceedings — been given the boot?
Well, bad news for all you normies: we aren’t going anywhere. Especially not with all the juicy rabbit holes that this election has presented us.
Thus I present my favourite conspiracies of the 2020 US election campaign and aftermath.
Let’s start with a few fun ones.
Joe Biden is Dead and Has Been Replaced (by a Clone/Hologram)
Yep, that’s right. Every Beatles fan can immediately get behind this one, but really this is a feel-good conspiracy that is fit for the whole family.
One of the few unifying opinions of people on both sides of the political aisle (die-hard Democrats excepted) was that Sleepy Joe was an awful candidate. Sniffing and groping children; that 1994 crime bill; announcing to the world that he has put together “the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics” — trust the modern Democrat Party to dish this poor fella up as their best ‘progressive’ candidate. We all know he is really there as a seat warmer for Kamala: I mean, they couldn’t even wait a week before they published an article confirming it.
But wait: imagine if it wasn’t actually Joe Biden. You elected a Creepy Joe look-alike… perhaps even a clone (or hologram)! Suddenly, everyone is happy (especially Kamala).
Biden a clone? What have you been smoking, and in which State is it now legal?
But, well, look at those photos. Does it really look like the same guy?
Maybe. But seriously: what’s up with those ears?
I know, right.
Donald Trump is a Time Traveller
Did you know that in the late 1890s, an American author and lawyer called Ingersoll Lockwood wrote a book titled, “The Travels and Adventures of Little Baron Trump and His Wonderful Dog Bulger”, followed by “Baron Trump’s Marvelous Underground Journey”, and finally “1900: or, The Last President”? That ‘Little Baron Trump’ came from a very wealthy family that lives in a grand building called Trump Castle on 5th avenue in New York City (yep, the same address as Trump Tower), and is assisted on his adventures by a mystical character named ‘Don Fum’? That in the final book, it tells the story of an outsider winning the Presidency, leading to chaotic protests in New York by anarchists and socialists rising up against the elite?
Did you know that Donald Trump’s uncle, John Trump, was apparently hired by the infamous Nikola Tesla, who had apparently developed time travelling technology? That, as a result, many people have made the not unreasonable conclusion that Donald Trump, with the assistance of his uncle, is indeed a time traveller sent to become the literal ‘Last President’ of the United States? Hard to argue that, time traveller or not, he isn’t doing his best to bring that prophecy into fruition.
I told you these would be fun. But back to business.
Election Fraud: Dead People Voting!
This is a pretty rubbish conspiracy to be honest, but it has to be at least dealt with. Apparently, dead people voted. But you already know this though don’t you… or at least know of the undoubtedly deranged lunatics promoting this ‘conspiracy’. But really, who cares? I just find it funny.
Not so much that dead people by all evidence have been recorded as applying for and submitting ballots (whether they were counted in the end is obviously another story). I find it funny how fiercely it was ‘debunked’ by people caught up in a heroic urge to save the integrity of the electoral process.
Bit late for that guys: both sides have now agreed — first through Russiagate and now through ballot-dump-gate(?) — that the US election process is fundamentally corruptible. There are much bigger fish to fry than a few thousand deceased citizens apparently halting their peaceful rests temporarily for one last contribution to democracy. Good on them, I say.
Can’t you just let the conspiracy theorists have this one? If I were you, I would be focusing that easily depleted debunking energy on much more serious voter fraud conspiracies — for example, the issues surrounding the Dominion voting system, apparently (if you believe the conspiracies) serious enough that the US army recently raided its servers in Germany — which very much have the potential to flip this election on its head. Speaking of which…
The Whole Election was a Sting Operation to Reveal Democratic Voter Fraud
Oooh boy: I have definitely saved the best to til last. This is a humdinger.
This one requires going back to the 2018 midterms. You thought the Dems gained those 41 seats and control of the House due to a backlash against Orange Man Bad? Wrong, it was rigged — not only that, but the Republicans let it happen.
Why? Excellent question. What possible, sane, logical reason would Trump and his party have for giving up control of the House of Representatives? Welcome to the world of Trump’s 5D Chess, where seemingly counter-intuitive events are actually part of some grand, complex scheme that mere mortal minds are incapable of comprehending.
Turns out, Trump and co let them cheat, allowing them to document every aspect of their plotting so that it could be used against them at a later time. That later time? The 2020 election, of course.
How did they do it? This is where things get really wild. Much has been spoken of mysterious ‘watermarks’ encoded onto every official ballot paper, allowing for recounts using special identification methods to pick up and disqualify illegal ballots. But it goes beyond that: some even believe that there is some special quantum technology capable of tracking, tracing and verifying the true voting intention of EVERY SINGLE BALLOT. Pow.
Imagine that. All this celebration by Democrats and their supporters in the media and the general public. The gleeful mocking and derision of Trump and his supporters for their apparent delusion and bad sportsmanship. Even the last minute jumping off of Republicans from this sinking orange ship, revealing themselves to be the rats that they always were.
All part of the plan: all part of the 5D chess game.
A chance for them to have one final moment in the sun, before the evidence of mass voter fraud is revealed, wrongly allocated ballots are corrected and illegal ballots are dismissed in huge numbers, and Trump rides home in a landslide victory, even being declared the winner of all 50 states!
Ooof, the brutality of it. Lucky it’s just a conspiracy.
Oh, there’s one theory I almost forgot.
Apparently, a lot of people believe that the aforementioned Joe Biden/clone/hologram, a career politician with as much baggage as anyone in DC, who is clearly experiencing at least the early stages of dementia, and who had more Trump supporters turn up to some of his rallies than his own supporters, could have received the highest primary vote count of a US Presidential candidate in history, in the middle of a pandemic, when distrust in politics has never been higher. That, believe it or not, he legally surpassed by several millions votes and counting the wave of bipartisan support for Obama in 2008 — people persuaded by calls of Hope and Change from the charming, young, articulate, black man with folksy swagger to give politics one more shot.
Look, maybe. That’s what they want us to believe, anyway. Maybe, the extent of TDS that has afflicted the US population is actually so great that it outweighed the diabolical nature of Biden’s candidacy to such an historic extent. Maybe. But I haven’t seen it: not that widespread, not anywhere really outside of the diehard liberal base. Medium can almost fool you… but surely we can all agree that Medium politics is not representative of the politics of America. As tens, maybe hundreds of thousands marched to support Trump in Washington DC, where were the waves of Biden supporters to counter them, Antifa thugs excluded? Maybe they were still hungover from their premature celebrations, I guess?
Anyway, I’m not convinced. Just like that whole Russia-gate thing, I’m gonna have to draw a line at this one.