Kindness Club
The first rule of Kindness Club is…
October 8 2019
I have just started watching a TV show called the Good Place. The basic premise of the show (from my limited knowledge) explores the fraught question of what it means to be ‘good’ and to do ‘good’. For example, we can think that we are doing good, by acting from a place of being good, but the unintended consequences of our actions, due to the way the world is structured, will inevitably be in some way ‘bad’.
When I heard about the show, I knew I had to watch it; my understanding of how I can do genuine and meaningful good has shifted drastically over the last few years. For example, a part of me, the old me, would love to go to these Climate Change rallies, to vent my anger at politicians and industries, and to be as sure as most participants seem to be that they are on the right side of the moral argument. That they are doing good.
But at the same time, I have doubts that these rallies, regardless of how necessary they might seem from an environmental perspective, are actually helping to unify humanity and move us forward together, rather than in fact contributing to increasing all ready deep-seated divisions.
A part of me, also the old me, would also love to show unconditional support and alliance to LGBTQ persons, to advocate for complete equality in all aspects of life, whatever that entails in terms of how are society is currently structured, and that this is what is good.
But more recently, I can’t do that anymore. I’m not convinced that sexuality does exist fluidly on a spectrum — not to say that it doesn’t for some people, but that this fact shouldn’t be understood as universal, and hence taught as universal. I’m not convinced that gender is a social creation — not to say that people can’t experience intense confusion about their assigned gender, but that this assigned gender is divinely bestowed upon us at birth for a reason.
And so, for both issues, I get stuck between two worlds, veering between each depending on the people I’m talking to or the opinions I’m reading online, about what the good thing to do is.
But that’s only telling part of the story, because concurrent to this, I have also been extremely fortunate in finding an outlet to do good. In the last few years, I think I have come across one of the most unconditionally good, most wholesome things I can imagine: teaching virtues to children.
When I first started doing these classes, I felt ridiculous. It was so simple, so basic. There is so much wrong with the world, so many complex issues to be solved, so many moral conundrums to be negotiated, yet here I am teaching kids that what they should really be focusing on is having a pure, kindly and radiant heart. Like it is that easy.
But that opinion has now changed, for several reasons. Firstly, because while virtues might seem basic on the surface, actually they can be quite complex.
Let’s take forgiveness. How do we show forgiveness? Should we always show forgiveness? It is easy to explain forgiveness as a necessary quality to show someone if they make a mistake and are sorry. You can start by getting them to think about how bad they would feel if they made a mistake, but they were not forgiven for it. This gets them thinking about how they should react when the tables are turned, such as if their brother or sister accidentally breaks one of their toys: should they ignore them for a week, break one of their toys back (chucking in a savage option is always fun), or accept their apology and move on?
But what about unconditional forgiveness, when people hurt us, knowingly and even unrepentantly? Is it reasonable to expect children to understand this concept?
These are all valid questions, and ones we have to deal with as adults. But for the purposes of children, it is overthinking it, as well as misunderstanding the true nature of virtues — one of the most valuable lessons I have learnt from taking these classes.
One key theory that lies at the heart of these classes is to understand virtues as gems that lie buried inside of us; everyone has the capacity to show kindness, love, compassion, generosity: all the good stuff. But first, to demonstrate these virtues, we must find, mine and then shine the gems for all to see.
So, as virtues teachers, we aren’t getting children to learn in the traditional sense of ‘filling their cups’ with external information. Really, we are just trying to help them understand their own intrinsic nature — their own gems that they might not have even realised they had — so that they can use them to negotiate successfully the situations they find themselves facing, the tests that they are given.
In this way, teaching virtues has also fundamentally changed how I see the world. Through the prism of virtues, life becomes a whole series of sequential ‘spiritual’ tests, for which to pass we have to draw on these gems that we hope we have dug up and spit-shined well enough to get us through.
Of course, when you are faced with a test, you aren’t just applying one virtue, but drawing on a whole range of spiritual resources: different combinations of which, with the knowledge gained from practice and reflection, can allow us to come out victorious, or at least unscathed, from each mini spiritual battle.
The particular program that I have been mainly involved in is run as part of the Bahá’í Faith, but I certainly don’t want this story to be limited to that context.
For example, every Friday at lunchtime, my roommate and I help out with Kindness Club at a local primary school. It is run by the school Psychologist and Chaplain, as part of a range of programs that the school offers for its mostly low socioeconomic status community. It is essentially a 25 minute virtues class, offered by 2 Christians and 2 Bahá’ís, with no religious aspect at all — just trying to teach kids how to be kind.
The author — who said kindness can’t be cool?
The classes are, for the most part, incredibly simple.
We might show kindness to our families by making cards to give them to say what we are thankful for.
We might show kindness to the other students by making iced gingerbread men to hand out (even if it does end up with kids devouring handfuls of leftover icing and going to their next class with massive sugar highs).
We might show kindness to the teachers by surprising them with milo at lunch (not really surprising them, as if teachers don’t have enough on their plate already without being unprepared for having their lunchtime disturbed by kids with weak, luke-warm milo).
We might even show kindness to the earth, by going around and picking up rubbish (which, thanks to the dutiful clearers and gardens, we have to drop out of our pockets so they have something to pick up).
Will their lives be problem free by thinking they can just show kindness in everything situation? Of course not, because we all know life isn’t that simple. But perhaps that’s because of the way we have made it. We have made the world so complicated, so confusing, so morally vexed. Maybe it is time for a change, to go back to basics.
What is the first rule of Kindness Club? Just be kind, because in this club, it is that simple.
